Kid’s Nite Out is set for the 2nd Friday of each month, 6p-10p, $10 for four hours - pizza and juice included. This is a GREAT way for parents to have a ‘date night’ and the kids learn some important life lessons at the same time. So much better than just sitting around watching TV with some teenager watching your kids at home… *hint* *hint*
Tonight was great - we had plenty of pizza, enough to send some home with a few people again. Our pizza this time was from Donatos - they cut the pizza in strips instead of slices so the flow was a little different from normal, but everyone got plenty to eat. Our main topic was on Self-Control.
Self-Control is
when My Mind controls My Body and My Emotions.
Someone or something is ALWAYS in control. If it’s not you, then you’re leaving it up to someone or something else. Here’s an example of Self-Control from my book,
The Kung Fu Kitties: The Adventure Begins, available through amazon.com (1st edition soon to be replaced with a 2nd edition, so get it now and it will be a collectable. I’ll even sign it!)
Chapter Five: Who’s in Charge Here?
Hannah felt the air currents shift on her whiskers and woke up to look towards the disturbance. There was a People, sitting near her. It had been a long while since she had been near a human so she froze. Hannah didn’t feel Cora lying next to her anymore and started to get scared.
“Hi Hannah. I’m Sifu Jeremy. Welcome to our home,” said Sifu Jeremy. He reached out his left hand toward Hannah, his shiny Omega watch glinting in the light, stopping about a finger’s width from her nose so she could smell him. “It’s ok. No one’s going to hurt you here, Ma’am.”
Hannah stretched out her neck just a little bit to sniff at his fingers, keeping her eyes on him all the while for any sudden movements. “Hello,” Hannah offered weakly, scared yet excited to finally meet Cora’s teacher.
Changing her focus from looking for sudden movements to actively studying Sifu Jeremy, she judged him to be about six feet tall (actually 5’10 ¾”) and having an average build for a People. When she met him, he was wearing glasses and all the hair on the top of his head was cut very short. Hannah knew that People often have different amounts of hair on top of their heads. Sifu Jeremy was smiling at her, and she liked his smile. It made her feel relaxed.
With her appraisal complete, Hannah rubbed her face and cheeks on Sifu Jeremy’s fingers. Kitties do that for several reasons: to mark territory, because it feels good to them, and to share individual scents to create a family scent. Sifu Jeremy knew that by rubbing on him, Hannah was showing that she was ok with him being near. He also knew that just because she rubbed on his fingers didn’t necessarily mean he was allowed to pet her and he definitely didn’t have permission to pick her up. Sometimes People don’t understand cat body language and do things that Kitties don’t like. Cats are pretty good at communicating their moods but you have to pay attention to them. If you’ve ever been swatted by a Kitty, it’s probably because you read her or his body wrong. But now you know better!
“Cora told me that you did a very good job with your Basic Exercises earlier today,” said Sifu Jeremy.
Hannah started purring as Sifu Jeremy was talking. She was happy to have a new friend in Cora, happy to have a clean, safe place to life, and a nice Person looking out for her.
Sifu Jeremy continued:
“Cora also told me that you attacked her the first time you saw her, but that you also apologized for it later. That’s a very good thing. Not the fighting part - the apologizing part. We all make mistakes and it takes a very mature person, or Kitty, to own up to them. In fact, that’s something I wanted to talk with you about.”
Hannah looked away from Sifu Jeremy as he was talking, and her purring slowed. She wasn’t sure if she was in trouble or not and didn’t like the feeling inside.
“Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble. There are a four parts to every person, or Kitty. The first part is the Body.” Sifu Jeremy held up his right hand formed into a fist and said, “Yau Baak Fu. That means ‘Right White Tiger’.”
“The second part is the Mind.” Sifu Jeremy held up his left hand, watch on his wrist, formed it into a palm and said, “Jo Ching Lung. That means ‘Left Green Dragon’. Now, which is in control, the Mind or the Body?”
Hannah turned to look back at Sifu Jeremy and blinked at him. “I don’t know… the body?” she guessed.
“‘I don’t know,’ Sifu Jeremy mused for a moment, “You’re a very brave Kitty to say ‘I don’t know.’ Most People and most Kitties try to bluff or guess their way through things instead of just saying the truth when they don’t know something. Never be afraid to say ‘I don’t know’ if that’s the right answer. It saves a lot of time and energy.”
Hannah beamed at Sifu Jeremy’s compliment, blinked at him again, and started purring a little louder.
Sifu Jeremy continued,
“Actually, the body IS most often in control because most People and Kitties have something called Self-Control. Without practice, Self-Control remains weak.”
“Cora mentioned ‘Self-Control’ when she talked about living a Kung Fu Life but I didn’t get a chance to ask her what it was,” Hannah said excitedly.
Sifu Jeremy explained, “Self-Control is the first skill you need to develop if you want to live a Kung Fu Life. Self-Control is when my mind controls my body and my emotions. Someone or something is always in control. If it’s not you, then it’s someone or something else. If you do something because you’re afraid, that’s Fear-Control instead of Self-Control. If a mom or dad says ‘cover your mouth when you sneeze’ that’s Mom-Control or Dad-Control. I haven’t met too many People, and no Kitties, that love to be told what to do all the time. So if you have Self-Control, you use your mind to control your body and your emotions. To remind ourselves, we use the phrase Jo Ching Lung, Yah Baak Fu because the Mind should be in control of the Body.
He continued, “No one and no thing can scare you. Instead, you allow what you see, or hear, or think, or feel to take control which leads to fear. Here’s what I mean: when you first saw Cora and postured at her, that was Eye-Control and then Fear-Control. You saw a Kitty you didn’t know, got scared, and reacted. If you want to develop a Kung Fu Life, you should practice seeing another Kitty but not letting what you see take control of your emotions. Does that make sense?” asked Sifu Jeremy.
“I think so, but that doesn’t sound too easy.” Hannah said slowly, looking up at Sifu Jeremy.
“Well,” Sifu Jeremy said, “doing anything new, especially when it comes to your emotions, is usually a little hard in the beginning. So if we know there will be some challenges and starts-and-stops, and easy days and harder days, we go in with the right attitude. Anything worth doing will bring challenge with it but we should decide before hand that we’re going to be successful no matter what it takes. Can you decide that? Can you decide, even if it’s just a decision on the inside that you don’t tell anyone out loud, that you’re willing to do whatever is necessary, no matter if it’s easy or hard, to develop your Self-Control and learn to life a Kung Fu Life?” Sifu Jeremy looked deep into Hannah’s eye. She could feel his sincerity as he asked her to make her decision.
“I will.” She said quietly. Getting louder, she said, “I’ve never met a Kitty like Cora or a People like you. I’ve never heard of the idea of living a Kung Fu Life. I want to be like Cora. She was so relaxed with me…” She trailed off for a moment, lost in her thoughts.
“I don’t know exactly how to say it,” she continued, “but I’m not a young Kitty any more. I had a hard time living on the streets and I can see how everything you and Cora have shared with me would make my life easier. You have something, an understanding, a something I can’t explain but I know I want it. I’ll do whatever you say I should do to get it for myself.” As Hannah said this as she stood up her eyes filled with a new passion and sense of clarity. “Sifu Jeremy, I’ve decided. I want to live a Kung Fu Life. Please tell me what I need to do.” And as she said that, she bowed to Sifu Jeremy in the most solemn bow her tired and sore body would let her bow. Oh yeah, Hannah thought, extra sore now. Those Basic Exercises must be working!
Sifu Jeremy said, “I’m glad that you decided to join us in the Kung Fu Family. I made the same decision during my first week of classes. When I started, I was so weak I couldn’t do even one push-up. When I tried, about a week before I started classes, I went down, then came up and then crashed to the floor. I had to lay there for five minutes before my arms started working again! Today, I can do more than one push-up!”
“Cora said you will be a good student. She trained with you and saw that you were willing to work, even though you complained about it. She said she would be happy to have you as a little sister, her Si Mui. Welcome to the Kung Fu Family!” Sifu Jeremy said happily.
“Traditionally, in the old days in China, someone had to vouch for you before you were allowed to join a Kung Fu Family. You couldn’t just come in and sign up for lessons. Cora will be your ‘Hoi Kuen Si Jei.’ That’s a special relationship between two students. ‘Hoi Kuen’ means ‘opening the fist’ and ‘Si Jei’ means ‘older martial arts sister.’ Cora brought you into the Kung Fu Family and started you on the path to your training. The two of you have a special relationship: you owe her a debit because she risked her reputation and relationship with me to bring you into the family.”
Hannah bowed to Sifu Jeremy again and said, “I don’t know how I can repay my debit to Cora but I’ll do my best to earn her trust and respect with this tired, old body.”
“Ok,” said Sifu Jeremy as he smiled and clapped his hands softly. “Here’s how I’m going to help you to learn to develop your Self-Control and live a Kung Fu Life. I’m going to train you just like I am training Cora to earn her first Black Sash. In the martial arts, the Black Sash and Black Belt are the minimum standard all serious students seek to earn. Different martial art families have different standards, different colors represent different things, some use sashes while others use belts, but the key thing to remember about earning your Black Sash and Black Belt is that you become a better Kitty, or a better Person, as you go through the process. It takes a few years of effort. Cora’s been working on her Kung Fu Life for over a year now and has already earned her Blue Sash.”
“Earning your Black rank will mean you’ve developed all the necessary tools, and put in the time and practice, to become a Kung Fu Kitty and learned to live a Kung Fu Life. Once you get close to your Black rank, I’ll talk to you more about the deeper levels of commitment and the higher levels of accomplishment that open up to you as a Kung Fu Kitty. Your first goal is to achieve your White Sash. In our family, White Sash means that you understand the definition of Self-Control, have started to put it into practice and developed some Self-Control, and you’re ready for more advanced training. Are you ready to get started?” asked Sifu Jeremy.
“That sounds like a lot of work but I think I can make it. I want to learn to live a Kung Fu Life and if earning sashes is going to help me get there, then I’m ready to get started,” answered Hannah.
Did you notice…
What was the definition of Self-Control?
When M_ M_ _ _ controls M_ B_ _ _ and M_ E_ _ _ _ _ _ _
What did Hannah decide?
What is Hannah’s goal? (Living a K_ _ _ F_ L_ _ _ )
How will she get there (Earn her B_ _ _ _ S_ _ _ )
How did you join a Kung Fu Family in the past? (R_ _ _ _ _ _ _ )
Self-Control isn’t a Sometimes Thing, it’s an All-The-Time-Thing but human beings aren‘t born with Self-Control - it‘s a type of Kung Fu. After all, babies wear diapers because they don't know they have business. If you've ever had your body tell you that you have bussiness and you ignore it (which isn't a good idea all the time because it's hard on your colon) because you are busy, then you have Self-Control. And if you aren‘t in the know… Kung Fu is “
Skill and Ability Developed through Hard Work over Time“. When you were born, you knew how to do two things: breathe and poop. Everything else you do, you learn. So that means everything else is a type of kung fu and with practice, you’ll get better. And, a Kung Fu Life
is a life of purpose, direction, power, vitality, humility, freedom, choice and learning to live your Unlimited Potential!
After talking about Self-Control, I gave the kids some guidelines about what I wanted to see on the floor and gave everyone some free time. After watching what was going on, including the five-year-old pushing the small tire around and knocking down the four-year-old (who simply blinked, got up and got back to doing what he was doing), it was time to connect world lessons to word lessons.
=====Sidebar=====
World lessons come from actual experience (we call that San Sau, or bodily reception, or living the lesson). Word lessons come from a teacher (or parent or boss’s) explanation - also called Hau Chyun or oral instruction or hearing the lesson. For some people, you can say, “don’t touch, that’s hot” when talking about a hot burner on the stove and they will listen. But some people (myself included, *blush*) need to experience the lesson and, when you’re not looking, will touch the burner just to see what happens. Just as FYI: I was on a lease when I was a kid… not the little thing around the wrist, a full-on across the chest and back harness like I was a dog… because I ran into traffic… twice. Imagine my Mom, on the side of the road, shaking like a leaf and crying seconds after pulling me out of traffic where I could have been road-pizza. Good times. When I shaved my head for the first time, I found two scars, one on each side of my head. I asked my Mom, “where’d these scars come from?” To which she replied, “I don’t know; you were an active child.” Come to find out, “active child” means I pulled a pot of fresh coffee on my head at 3-years-old, and damaged myself enough that the gate guard while my dad was stationed in Turkey would simply pass my mom through to get to the hospital because I was such a frequent visitor… again, good times! But I seem to have survived.
=== End Sidebar===
Once I sat the children down, I defined self-control again and gave them a game:
Here were the rules of the game:
1) Everyone stay seated
2) Try to hit a balloon around to everyone, one at a time.
Once the balloon was in motion, the five-year-old decided to get up and chase the balloon, trying to hit it. As it got close to someone, they would hit it in some direction and the five-year-old would race off after the balloon again, trying not to step on anyone. After just about everyone hit the balloon, the five-year-old sat down and started tearing up because, “I didn’t get to hit the balloon”
I asked him if he was demonstrating Self-Control or Balloon-Control. He answered, “Balloon-Control” and I said, “exactly right.” As I explained to the children:
When you chase something, you give your control over to the something. I asked everyone to sit down and try to hit the balloon to each other. I didn’t ask anyone to chase the balloon and try to hit it. The more you chase the balloon, the harder you work and the more elusive the balloon becomes. So let’s try it a different way: everyone have a seat, be ready to hit the balloon to someone else, and everyone try to make sure everyone gets a chance to hit the balloon.
When we tried the second round, with everyone sitting down and being ready to hit the balloon, and looking to hit the balloon to someone who hadn’t had it yet, very quickly everyone got a hit, including the five-year-old. In fact, some of the older children took it upon themselves to start calling out who hadn’t had a chance yet so that everyone got a hand on the balloon. I told the group, “I’m very proud of how you all worked together.”
I asked them if everyone got a chance to hit the balloon (yes). Including the five-year-old? (yes). I asked the five-year-old, which was more productive, which got everyone’s hands on the balloon - chasing the balloon or making yourself available and ready for the balloon and hitting it when it came close? (making yourself available and ready for the balloon and hitting it when it came close)…
Aggressive is when you force yourself where you don’t belong - like chasing the balloon.
Assertive is when you take the opportunity or opening, when it presents itself, with no hesitation. To be assertive, you have to be paying attention to what is going on - within you and around you. Assertive is more work but more rewarding, too.
Once we went to the other room for pizza, I reminded everyone that the best way to be invited back for something was to leave it 25% better than you found it. I then shared the story of Quinn - his mom told me that he went to a friend’s house and played in the basement. When they were done, Quinn - at five-years-old and with only 3 months of training - took it upon himself to clean and organize the basement. His friend’s mom was so surprised (and pleased) at his actions that she told Quinn’s mom he was welcome any time.
So that was tonight - plus plenty of free play time, hanging on the bags, running around… structured stuff and unstructured stuff.
Sincerely,
Jeremy R., the Kung Fu Guy
PS - if you don’t want to wait for next Kid’s Nite to get your kids involved, please give me a call at 361-4579 and enjoy two weeks on me, plus a uniform. Mother’s day is right around the corner and a more well-behaved child (because the child wants too, all by themselves!) is a GREAT gift!!
